Tonight That I Might See
by RachelDemented
Summary: Pacey refuses to let the past go, and Joey and Dawson fear he's ruining his life, which they have fought so hard to rebuild.


Tonight That I Might See

"God I missed you."

"And I missed you."

"I hate having to wait…to wait to see you. It makes me anxious…"

"It doesn't take much to make you anxious," She laughed, tossing her blonde, wavy hair back in the breeze; her white teeth radiant in the dusky blue hue of the moon and her eyes twinkling bright like the stars.

"I can't help it," He said. "I love you."

"Aw, Pace."

She smiled shyly and they began walking, the cool sand beneath their feet, the noise of the waves echoing in the cliffs around them, and the dark velvety sky stretched out overhead as far as their eyes could see. The world was endless in this moment.

Pacey reached down and took her hand.

"So what do we talk about tonight?" He asked.

"Um…" She smiled. "Tell me about work. I'd like to hear about work."  
"Work?"  
"Yeah."

"Well…ok."

  
Pacey squeezed her hand; cool and thin and delicate in his own.

He was beaming proudly as he walked along the deserted beach with his best friend, his confidante, and his lover…his life long soul mate.

"So, things have been good?" She asked.

He stared at her hesitantly.

She stopped and held his fingers in hers, waiting anxiously.

"Yeah…" He started. "Fine, I guess."

"Good. I want them to be fine for you…that's all I ever wanted was for things to be fine for you."

"And they are…" He said almost forlornly; looking back at the waves as the strong night wind tousled back his hair. "They are…"

"Then why do you sound so doubtful?" She laughed.

Her infectious laugh…he could never resist.

He could never stay sad in her presence. Never. He could never feel anything but happiness when he was with her; never as he heard that laugh, and never as her eyes never left his face.

"I guess just because I miss you so." He answered.

"God, I miss you too…"

They took the moment, staring at each other, staring into each other, before Jen broke away.

"Pace…I have to go,"

"No,"

"I have to…"

"No!" He begged.

"I'm sorry, I must."  
"No, please stay,"

"I would love to, but I can't."

She stepped back away from him; from his pleading eyes and his warm grasp, and each step back seemed to lead her farther and farther down the beach until she was nearly out of sight.

"Will I see you again soon?" He asked softly.

"Yes." She smiled. "You'll see me soon…"

And with that she was gone…as if she'd become a part of the air, a part of the wind, and just disappeared into the night. Pacey watched her footsteps in the sand, now being washed away by the rising tide, and he sighed appreciatively. He wallowed in the moonlight and the smell of the sea and the smell of her still lingering in the air. He closed his eyes, but couldn't shut out the twinkle of the stars. With every flash he saw her brilliant, smiling face.

He would see her soon.

He would see her again.

He turned back, following his lonely footsteps back from which he came, never feeling sadness here, and never feeling pain. This was their place.

And he would never be sad here. 

~*~

The sun was warm.

"Wake up, sleepyhead."

"Huh?"

"Wake up!"

Pacey opened one eye and stared up at Joey Potter, clad in nightshirt and slippers, hair a mess but fully awake and smiling brightly in the morning glow.

"What time is it?" Pacey growled, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"Nearly nine!" Joey said. She stepped to the window and threw back the blinds. "Time to wake up! Time to greet the day!"

Pacey cringed at the flood of sunlight pouring through the glass. Joey went around, busily grabbing up his clothes off the floor from the night before then depositing them into the hamper. She raked through his room so fast that his eyes barely had time to adjust to the light before she was already leaving out into the hallway and calling back at him to come down to breakfast.

"Be right there," He said.

Her footsteps resounded off the wooden stairs and then she was gone.

Pacey sighed and looked out to the sea.

In the beachfront home, his bedroom faced out to the ocean, a sliding glass door leading out to a patio that sat directly on the sand.

He stood and went over to the glass, his eyes transfixed on the crisp, foamy waves and the glint of the sun bouncing off of them.

It was gorgeous, beautiful, and each waking morning seemed the most beautiful of all. Of course, he could hardly remember yesterday…hardly a thing, hardly at all.

But he would always remember her…

Pacey placed his palm against the glass as he stared out into his paradise.

His thoughts ran away with him, and the only thing to bring him back was the blaring of the smoke detector downstairs.

A smile spread across his face as he looked down, then he turned away and followed the sound, leaving the beach and sand and sun and water for another time, another dream.

~*~

"Morning, Pace."

"Morning, D-Man."

"I hope you're hungry, I've got a hot grill here, and it can't hold much more food."

"I also don't think it can stand much more heat," Joey said, shooing smoke away from the smoke alarm with a broom out in the hallway. "You're burning the pancakes!"

"I am not!" Dawson smiled. "I only burned, like, _two_…"

"A little charcoal never hurt anyone," Pacey said, settling down in his seat at the table and spreading his napkin out in his lap.

"Thank you!" Dawson said victoriously. He walked over, spatula and pan in hand, and slapped down a couple of pancakes on Pacey's plate.

"Well, I like mine cooked, not barbequed," Joey said. She came back into the kitchen and slid into her chair. "Aunt Jemima doesn't go to well on charbroiled foods, and I like my pancakes fluffy and golden."

"Well, good!" Dawson smirked. "Because I made _one _light and fluffy just for you!"

Joey smirked back and he flopped one down on her plate.

She took up the butter and knife and started smearing it across the surface of her breakfast. Pacey took a bite of his own.

"These are really good!"

"Glad you think so," Dawson said coming back to the table.

"NO! I mean, these are REALLY good!"

"Thanks."

"Delicious!"

"I appreciate it,"

"Delectable!"

"Okay…"

"Wonderful!"

Pacey was bustling with positive energy as he ate happily.

Dawson looked across the table at Joey and they shared a worried frown.

"I want to go out today," Pacey said between bites. "I want to get out of the house…go to town…shop."

Dawson and Joey turned to watch him.

"Oh?" Dawson started. "Okay." His eyes met Pacey's hopeful ones. 

"That would be great, wouldn't that be great Jo? I think that would be great!"

"Um, yeah…fine. Sure. That would be, uh, perfect."

"Good!" Pacey grinned. "We're going out. We're going out today…we're going to town. We're going to shop. We're going to get out of the house."

Joey watched him carefully.

~*~

"Do you think we should be worried?"

Joey came up beside Dawson as he looked through a rack of used DVDs.

"Worried?"

"Because of how he's been acting."

Dawson looked up and watched Pacey at the other end of the store, his back to them while he looked over a shelf of merchandise.

"I don't think so," Dawson said finally.

"Are you sure?" Joey asked, her eyes resting on the back of Pacey's form. "Are you absolutely sure? He's been…acting strange."

"Well, I'm not absolutely sure about anything…but, yes. He's been acting a little strange, but no, I don't think we should worry just yet—"

"Dawson?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think he's seeing her again?"

~*~

"Can I help you find anything?"

Pacey looked up, smiling politely at the saleswoman.

"Um…I'm not really sure,"

"Are you shopping for a lady? Maybe a girlfriend, or a fiancé…?"

Pacey turned his head to look back at Dawson and Joey. They were preoccupied in selecting a movie. They weren't paying any attention. He turned back to the saleswoman and smiled shyly.

"Something like that…"

"Oh!" The woman said happily, clasping her hands together. "Congratulations, what does she like?"

"Oh, many things."

"Beautiful things?"

"Yes, I suppose so."

"I bet she's a beautiful lady."

"Yes, very."

"Well, come with me. I think I have something that might be just right."

Pacey allowed himself to be led away without telling Dawson and Joey where he was going. He needed to shop…to search…in private. And they wouldn't understand.

~*~

Finally Dawson selected a movie, with much urging from the impatient Jo, and he started towards the counter.

"Um, Jo? Where'd Pacey go?"

"Huh?"

"He's gone."

Joey looked up quickly, her eyes darting back and forth across the store. Dawson was right. Pacey was no where to be found.

"Have you seen our friend?" Joey asked quickly as they came up to the saleswoman at the counter.

"Tall young man, brown hair? Yes. He said to tell you he'd be waiting outside."

"Oh." Joey said. She looked at Dawson, they're eyes conveying a simple relief that only they would know.

"Are you ready?" The lady asked.

"Um, yeah." Dawson said, and handed her the DVD.

~*~

"Hey guys." Pacey smiled as they walked out of the shop. He rose from his seat on a bench, a shopping bag in hand which he sort of hid behind his back. "What took you so long?"

"I couldn't decide on a movie," Dawson said, eyeing him suspiciously. Joey moved towards him.

"So Pace…what'd you buy?" Her words were cautious and slow, a smile hiding a faint frown.

"Me?" Pacey said nervously. "Nothing!"  
"What's in the bag?" Joey asked reaching for it slowly. "Can I see?"

"Um…" Pacey laughed. "Okay, sure." He thrust the bag out at her, making her and Dawson jump.

"Oh," Joey took the bag and opened it, looking down inside. "A wind chime?" She asked confusedly. Dawson quietly exhaled in relief.

"Yes," Pacey said innocently. He knew what they were looking for, but he'd already hidden that away in his shirt pocket. He started to walk nonchalantly, and they followed. "I wanted one for my patio. So I can hear the breeze…I figured it'd be relaxing."

"Um, yeah…that sounds good." Joey said. She eyed Dawson wearily, and he shook his head unknowingly. 

He didn't know what to do, he never would.

"I like to hear the breeze," Pacey went on, too chipperly. "It makes me feel…happy."

"Happy?" Jo asked.

"Yep, uh huh."

"Well, I can certainly see how a wind chime would make you feel happy," Dawson interjected.

"Exactly my point." Pacey said simply. "I want to be happy. The wind chime will make me happy. I wanted a wind chime, so I bought one, you see."  
"I see," Dawson said. Joey gave him another look. Dawson shrugged.

He did a lot of shrugging lately…that's all he could do.

"But enough about wind chimes!" Pacey suddenly said. "Let's go eat, I'm starved."

He spun around to face them, making them both pause. "You haven't laughed much today, Potter. May I hold your hand?"

Joey looked at Dawson, then back up at Pacey, and smiled in spite of herself.

"Sure, Pacey…I'd love to hold your hand."

"Would you like to hold my hand too?" He mischievously asked Dawson, holding out his palm playfully.

"Thanks, Pace…but I think I'll pass."

"Understood, my friend. Understood."

He reached out, waiting for Joey's hand. She smiled a little and then accepted, placing her hand in his own. He grabbed her quickly, spinning her about, making her laugh suddenly, and then laughing himself.

Pacey and Joey started to walk with Dawson following behind them.

Dawson didn't know exactly what to think. He never did.

At least Pacey was acting happy now, even if it was a strange happiness. Even though he acted strange. This was actually closer to the old Pacey than he'd seen in months…

Well, not the _old_ Pacey. They might never see the old Pacey again.

But this was better than after…

Dawson shook it out of his head. He didn't need to think about that anymore. It was time to move on. And Pacey seemed to be better, Jo was really helping out, and he was sure things would be all right. 

~*~

That afternoon Pacey hung his wind chime, and that evening he fell asleep.

He woke up to the sound of an ethereal music as the chime swayed gently in the midnight breeze. He sat up. 

The room was dark; a blue light filtered in from the moon and the sound of the water distant beyond the walls.

He instinctively got up and opened the sliding glass door.

The wind nipped at his hair and clothes, drawing the waves to the beach, ringing the bell of the wind chime and with it…bringing her.

She was there. 

She was waiting for him. And he stepped, barefoot, through the sand to meet her.

She greeted him with a smile as the wind blew her hair back from her face. She pulled her light shawl about her shoulders tighter. Her smile and the grasp of her hand…that's all it took for him to forget everything else, and they began their midnight walk along the beach.

~*~

"I bought you something." He said a few minutes later.

"Aw, You didn't have to do that,"

"I wanted to. Here…open it."  
Pacey held out a little white jewelry box.

She looked adoringly at him, and took the box from his hands.

"Aw, Pace…" Gushing shyly, she took it from him, and after fingering it for a moment, opened it. "Oh, Pacey…it's lovely."

Her eyes met his, and at the cool turquoise gaze of them, his heart began thudding in his chest. He could swear that the wind carried the sound of her own heart, beating in time, mimicking his own. Gazing into them, looking into them, he was reminded of the sea…a deep turquoise sea…

"You like it?"

"Yes, I love it." She whispered.

"Because if you don't like it, I can take it back,"

"No, Pacey, I love it. I really love it. Will you help me put it on?"

"Of course."

She lifted the topaz necklace from the box and passed it to him.

"Lift up your hair," He whispered.

She turned her back to him, and lifted her long, blonde cascade of waves over her shoulder. He slipped the delicate silver chain around her neck and fastened the clamp, pausing to take in the feel of being so close to her. "You know…I can't bare it when you leave me."

"I can hardly bare it myself,"

"Then why don't you stay?"

"Pacey," She said solemnly as she turned back to face him, dropping her hair and crossing her arms, and in doing so, pulling her shawl closer once again. "We've talked about this…you know why I can't stay."

"I know," He said quietly, leaning towards her. "But I just miss you. I don't mean to be a pain,"

There was that infectious laugh again…so light and carefree, and comfortable, and…content.

"You could never pain me," She said, relaxing her form, letting her shawl drop from her shoulders, eyes sparkling in the dark. "Not ever."

"And you could never pain me,"

"But I'm so afraid that I have…"

They stared at eachother, forgetting all about the waves, and the stars and the moon, and the breeze, and the salty scent that came with it, and the cool white sand beneath their feet… Time had stopped for them. Nothing else existed. Pacey moved towards her slowly to kiss her.

"Pacey?" A distant voice came from down the beach. "Pacey? Where are you!"

Pacey paused, looking back in the direction of the call. It was barely a call at all, really… The breeze barely carried it to his ears, and for a moment, he considered ignoring it.

"Pacey? Pacey!"

"Joey's calling me," He said, his eyes not moving from the distance behind them. "She's been worried about me…Dawson too."

"Oh," She said taking a step back. "Maybe you should go then."

"But I don't want to leave you." He said, looking back at her.

"Pacey!"

"No, Pacey…go to her. She…she cares about you."

Pacey stared back into the eyes of his beloved; watching her slowly back away; a need filling his heart until he was sure he would burst.

But she was right; he had to go…

"Go, Pace," She smiled. "I'll see you again."

"Tomorrow?" He said hopefully, watching her break away from him again.

"Yes, tomorrow," She laughed, a slight music in her words, somehow making things better; making him feel better….letting him know everything was still okay.

"I love you." He said.

"I love you, too."

"Pacey! Where are you!"

Pacey was suddenly inflicted by the despair in Joey's distant voice, echoing across the cliffs and water and he turned, feeling a sudden sting of sadness and guilt. Her voice carried through the gathering mist and his heart started to ache.

He turned back to look for her, but she was gone, her footsteps already being washed away by the reaching surf. She was gone again. But he would see her again. 

She said he would see her again.

Pacey watched the waves for a moment, considering following her.

"Pace? Please…where are you?"

He turned around and started towards the sound of Joey's distraught calls, growing closer as she searched for him along the empty shore. He almost didn't answer her, but he couldn't keep his voice back any longer...

"I'm here Jo… Don't worry! I'm coming!"

~*~

"Where did you go?" Joey asked quietly as she and Pacey made their way back to the beach house, the wind chime ringing delicately in the distance as if leading them home.

"For a walk,"

"Oh…"

They reached the patio, the glowing light from inside illuminating their path across the wooden deck. Joey turned as they reached the door, and stared at him pleadingly.

"What's wrong? Is there something you want to talk about? I'm here for you, ya know,"

Pacey stared into her dark, quivering eyes, and chuckled as he pushed a strand of hair back from her face.

"I know that, Potter." He smiled. "I know you're here,"

"I'm just worried about you." She sighed, her eyes brimming with tears and fatigue. "Dawson and I both…you…we…things…"

He opened his arms and she flew into them, and hugged him, wiping her face against his chest. "We love you, Pacey. We want things to be good for you."

"I love you guys too."

"We're a family, Pace. We're here for eachother. We don't hide things from each other…are you hiding something from us?" She looked up at him, wide eyed, a tearstain down her cheek. He smiled again, and pulled her closer.

"No, Potter…I'm not hiding anything."

She sighed in relief as he rocked her gently, unaware of the solemn frown working its way across his brow as he stared out absentmindedly at the sea.

~*~

"Dawson…last night, Pacey was down the beach."

Dawson looked up over the edge of his newspaper, staring at Joey, waiting to hear the rest. She looked troubled as she sat across from him at the table, a steaming hot cup of black coffee in her fingers and a half eaten bagel on her plate.

"I…I couldn't sleep. Then I got this weird feeling, so I went to check on him. He wasn't in his room, and the patio door was open so I went outside to look for him." She paused, and started to sip her coffee, but didn't. "Dawson, I called him several times…over and over and over again, and he didn't answer. I was afraid…well, I didn't know…Ugh!" Joey sat back in her chair, thinking hard. Dawson folded his newspaper, setting it down on the breakfast table, and leaned forward, all ears.

"What happened, Jo?"

"I started walking. And I kept calling him, and finally he answered me! Dawson…he was half way down the beach, almost a mile. And when I asked him what he was doing, he said he went for a walk."

She watched him with stern brown eyes. She was starting to get upset. Dawson sat back, thinking.

"Maybe he did just go for a walk."

"No, Dawson. I don't think so."

"Joey, he's a grown man. If he wants to go for a walk, he has every right to,"

"Alone in the middle of the night?"

"Sure,"

"No, Dawson. He was doing something out there." She stared at him expectantly for a moment before angrily setting down her coffee cup.

"Hmn." Dawson leaned forward again, resting his elbows on the table, and biting his lip. He didn't know what to say. Joey was convinced that something was wrong, and he couldn't honestly deny the possibility, or his own suspicious feelings that had been growing in the pit of his stomach. 

Pacey had seemed to be doing well…but his life had been very complicated in the last couple of years, and who was to say that he wouldn't resort back to dealing with things… dealing the way… How would they… Well, how could they be sure that he was all right?

Dawson rubbed his forehead wearily and looked her right in the eye.

"We can't confront him, not without proof."

~*~

Pacey awoke on his own, the trembling music of the wind chime dancing in his head. He sat up and yawned and looked at the clock. Almost 9:30. Joey hadn't waken him up yet. Maybe she was still asleep…maybe he was supposed to wake her today!

Pacey got up quickly, pulling on a t-shirt and went out into the hall and down to her room. The door was closed so he knocked.

No answer.

He knocked harder but still, no answer.

Taking a chance, Pacey grasped the doorknob with one hand, covered his eyes with the other, and burst into the room.

"Joey!" He called out.

Nothing. The room was silent.

Pacey spread his fingers and peeked out from between them.

Her bed had already been made up, her curtains drawn open, and everything was still.

No sign of her.

Confused, Pacey backed out of the room, then turned, and running in his bare feet, headed down the stairs calling out Joey's name.

"Joey!… Joey!!!"

He ran through the kitchen door, nearly falling as his feet hit the waxed tile. He grabbed at the edge of the counter and caught himself as he stumbled, then looked up to find Dawson sitting at the table, watching him expectantly.

"Joey?" Pacey said helplessly.

"No, I'm Dawson." Dawson said, eyeing him suspiciously.

"I know that!" Pacey said almost nervously as he pulled himself up. "I mean, where is Joey? She's not in her room, she didn't wake me, I forgot! Was I supposed to wake her? And if not, where did she go? It's after 9:30, Joey always wakes me up before 9:30! And if she left, why didn't she say goodbye? Is she leaving for good? Or just a short trip, and why wouldn't she tell me? I would tell her…"

Dawson watched him. Pacey paused, exasperated and out of breath; his chest heaving with uncertainty as he tried hard to process things. Dawson stood and pulled out a chair for him. Pacey plopped down, his breathing slowing, but his hands shaking.

"It's okay Pace, she didn't leave."

Pacey looked up at him, suddenly feeling foolish as his head cleared. He rubbed his hand over the back of his messed up hair and laughed.

"You okay?" Dawson asked.

"Yeah," Pacey sighed. "Yeah… I just got confused when she didn't wake me,"

"Joey thought you might want to sleep in," Dawson said as he poured Pacey a cup of coffee and placed it on the table before him.

"Oh."

"…After that long walk on the beach you had last night,"

"Oh. You know about that."

"Yeah…I know."

Pacey stared into his cup, into the steam rising out of the depth of it, feeling Dawson's roving eyes on him. He tried hard to relax. He didn't want to come off as dumb. He knew Dawson was waiting for something…an answer maybe.

He was curious, Pacey could tell. Maybe suspicious… 

Pacey had to say something to fix it. But he couldn't say anything about her…no. Dawson just wouldn't understand.

Dawson suddenly moved around the table to sit across from him. Pacey kept his eyes focused on his cup, thinking hard, preparing his words.

"Pacey…I wasn't sure if I should ask, but I'm going to. Why were you on the beach last night?"

"Oh," Pacey said, the word hanging between them. Then, finally, "Just needed some air, I guess."

"Really?"

"Um, yeah."

Dawson was silent; Pacey's eyes still focused on his cup.

"Hmn," Dawson finally sighed. "Well…I'm glad."

Pacey looked up at him boyishly, surprised. Dawson laughed and shook his head.

"Joey was afraid you were having problems again,"

"What???" Pacey said innocently. "Me??? Problems???"

"Yeah."

"Well, to tell you the truth, I'm starting to worry about her," Pacey said suddenly, the wheels in his brain starting to spin as his voice came out nonchalant and seemingly off the cuff. He picked up his coffee and took a carefree sip. "I think she needs to chill out, Dawson... I mean, things with me are fine! Perfectly fine! And I couldn't be happier! Why would she think I was having problems again? Why wouldn't she think I was fine? I assure you, D-Man, things are A-Ok!"

"Well, Pace…I have to admit, I've been wondering myself,"

"I assure you!" Pacey said, over confidently as he stood from the table and went to the freezer where he took out a piece of ice, then returned to the table, dropping it in his cup.

Dawson watched it float to the surface, melting in the heat of his drink. Pacey continued to stand, and leaned back against the kitchen counter in a trusting pose. "Dawson, things are great. I've never felt better, and I've never been happier.  
"But you haven't exactly been acting like yourself," Dawson said unsurely.

"Dawson!" Pacey gasped in mock disbelief. "D-man! I love you like a brother! And Jo like a sister, for that matter, but I've gotta say…"

They stared at eachother, Dawson listening and Pacey trying to play a part.

"You guys are totally wiggin!"

"We are not 'wiggin'!" Dawson laughed.

"Oh yes you are!"

"No!"

"Oh, um, yeah!" Pacey insisted, now laughing at his friend. "You are so worried about everything! And Joey! …Joey has always been paranoid, you can't deny that fact!"

"Well," Dawson smiled.

"Where is the little heartbreaker, anyway?" Pacey said, glancing around the kitchen. "Off installing hidden cameras or something?"

"Not that I wouldn't put it past her," Dawson smirked, obviously much more comfortable now than he had been a few minutes before. "Actually, she's out digging for clams."

"For dinner?"

"For sport."

Dawson smirked again and Pacey laughed out loud.

"Quite the smart ass, D-Man!"

"Well, thanks, I've learnt from the best,"

The two men smiled and grew into an easy silence.

~*~

Joey wondered down the shore, further now than she had been last night, almost a half a mile. Her bare feet left footprints in the sand, still damp from the early morning's tide, as she went, and she looked forward to a much needed escape in her time alone.

Her expression was one of tired thought.

Even the warm sun on her face couldn't persuade her to stop feeling so troubled.

She sighed as she dropped her bucket in the sand in what seemed another good place to dig. She paused and took a deep breath, taking in the view before her.

God, how the ocean always used to calm her.

The ocean was solitude for her. At least it used to be.

Whenever anything was bothering her, she could always come to the ocean and reflect on her life, and she could always forget, at least momentarily, the things that perplexed her. She could always just get lost watching those cold, blue waves and by the end of the day, nothing could reach her.

Joey smiled, and sat back in the sand, forgetting the clams for the moment, and tried to hold on to that thing in the past that used to help her stay grounded. She closed her eyes and felt the breeze in her hair, and the smell of salt in her mouth, and she exhaled softly.

Whatever it was that she was waiting for, it wasn't there anymore.

When she opened her eyes, she was overwhelmed with the realization that the sea she once was in love with was now just a sea. It hurt to know it, but she knew she had to face it. 

Nothing would be the same again, ever. She had already accepted that. The harder thing to accept now was how things would be. 

But now…maybe things were okay. 

This beach would always hold a sad and bitter sweetness in her heart.

As much pain as there was here, still she stayed. Still, everyone stayed, and Pacey…

Pacey stayed.

Joey shook her head and remembered the clams were waiting.

She began to dig, the wet sand beneath her fingernails, and a sinking feeling in her stomach. Still she smiled though, not really knowing why. She focused on her task at hand, of bringing up the little guarded creatures to the surface.

She'd almost managed to forget her problems when something caught her eye.

~*~

"Dawson," Joey said, wide eyed as she came in through the back door, her checks red from running.

"Hey, Jo…where's the clams?"

"Forget the clams," Joey said, looking around nervously. "Where's Pacey?"

"He was playing video games in the den, why?"

"Dawson, I found something, out on the beach,"

"Well, what Jo?" Dawson said, an uneasy smile anxiously crossing his lips. He got up out of his chair, and went over to her.

She looked completely frazzled, and he could feel her tension clouding around her like a blanket. "Jo?" He said softly, more and more worried as each silent moment passed. "Come on…what'd you find?"

"This," She said reluctantly, holding out her hand. Slowly she opened her fingers and watched him as he looked into it. "Dawson…it was on the beach. It was down where Pacey was last night."

"Jo…" Dawson said, unable to think of how to react. "How…how do we know—"

"Dawson. I know. I feel it in my heart. There are no excuses."  
"But Jo, that could belong to anyone,"

"It's a private beach, Dawson. How did it get there?"

"Maybe it just washed up."

"No, Dawson. I…I recognize it. From that store. It was in the jewelry case at the store. And it's Topaz...her favorite."

Dawson reached out and took the dainty silver chain from her hand and stared at it. He said nothing, but his expression confirmed her fear.

"Oh god," She winced, taking a step back and rubbing her forehead. "What are we going to do? Dawson…what are we going to do?"

"About what?" A voice said from the doorway.

Dawson and Joey looked up to find Pacey standing there. 

"Where did you get that?" He bit when he saw the necklace dangling from Dawson's fingertips.  
"Pacey, look—" Joey started.  
"Jo found it, Pacey."  
Pacey was silent. He didn't move, or bat an eyelash. He just stared at the necklace in Dawson's hands.  
"Pacey…" Joey said, starting forward towards him "Do you know where this was?"  
Pacey's jaw went taught as they stared at him.  
"How should I know?"  
"Where'd it come from, Pace?" Dawson demanded.  
"You tell me,"  
"You tell me!" Joey challenged.  
"Jo!" Pacey said, laughing nervously, and putting on an air of false security.  
"Pacey, tell me." Joey said, her eyes growing scared.  
"I don't know, Jo!"  
"Pacey!" Dawson interjected. "What the hell is going on!"  
"Nothing!"  
"Then where did this come from!"  
"I don't know!"  
"You're lying!"  
"Pacey, please…"  
"Jo, I don't know!"  
"Are you seeing her again?" Dawson demanded angrily. "Were you out, last night, on the beach with her? Is that what you were doing out there all alone in the middle of the night?"  
Pacey didn't speak.  
"Answer me, dammit!"  
"Dawson," Jo said as if to hold him back.  
"Joey, he has to answer me."  
"But Dawson—"  
"Joey!" Dawson harshly. "He's going to answer me! Pacey, you are going to answer me,"  
"GODDAM IT!" Pacey suddenly screamed. "You're not my father!"  
"Explain the necklace," Dawson said adamantly.  
"You…you were spying!" Pacey said, suddenly feeling sick as he was cornered.  
"No one spied on anyone," Dawson said.  
"THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT! Where…! Why…! Are you following me???" Pacey's voice softened. "Jo, are you following me now?" 

Here eyes started to waver as tears started to spring up in them. His own eyes showed the hurt he felt, and it ate at her. She turned away from his gaze. 

When he looked at her like that… 

She crumbled. And he knew it.  
"He's manipulating you, Jo. Don't let him."  
"I—I'm not manipulating anyone," Pacey said, his voice cracking as he felt sheer pain inflict his entire being "I'd never…never…"  
Joey spun around and looked at Dawson as he stood his ground firmly, and didn't waiver a bit.  
"You've manipulated everyone, Pacey." He answered. "You've been lying to Joey, and you've been lying to me."  
"I—I…"  
"Worst of all, you've been lying to yourself! Pacey. Admit it. You've been seeing her again." 

All was still. 

Joey wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand, and watched Pacey take a seat at the table, lowering his head in his hands. Dawson stood over him, his eyes never leaving his form, though deeply softening now as he realized what was about to happen. Joey stood back. She couldn't move her feet. She watched helplessly as Dawson struggled to ask Pacey the questions and as Pacey struggled to answer them. 

"Pacey…have you seen her?"  
"Yes," Pacey sighed, the first tear spilling down his cheek.  
"How many times?"  
"Last night…"  
"And what about before?"  
"I—I've been seeing her…every night." 

Joey shuddered at the words...those words she definitely suspected were coming, but never wanted to hear. Pacey was seeing her again...his whole life, everything they'd worked to correct in the past two years, was coming apart at the seams. 

"I can feel her," Pacey said, his body still and his voice light. "I can feel her out there, waiting for me. I…I know I'm not supposed to see her, but I can't help it. She's there, and she wants me, and I want to be with her,"  
"Pacey," Dawson sighed.  
"You don't understand, you can't. She's the only one who understands… We talk." 

"I can't take this anymore," Joey shook her head in frustration. Dawson looked at her empathetically, silently asking her to stay, but she rushed from the room. 

Pacey stared after her. 

"Pacey…what does she say?" Dawson nudged.  
"That she loves me." Pacey sighed. His body slumped with fatigue as the words finally left his mouth. He smiled to himself, recalling her gentle grace as she followed the moon down the beach every night while they had their talks…  
"Pacey…you know this isn't healthy."  
"Dawson…She listens to me. We talk about everything. How our days been, how the weather is, how work is,"  
"But Pacey, you don't work anymore."  
"Oh."  
"You had to leave your job, remember?"  
Pacey started to nod his head as realization fought confusion and he was the casualty. 

"Pacey…you couldn't work anymore, and you were in the hospital for five months trying to get better, remember?"  
"Um…" A tear spilt down his cheek as Pacey tried to recall. "Yeah,"  
"And when you got out…when you got out, you made a commitment to stay better. You promised me and Joey that you wouldn't allow yourself to fall into this rut again,"  
"But Dawson,"  
"I know you loved her, Pace. I know you did…. But it's been two years. You need to realize, she can't be in your life."  
"But Dawson," Pacey barely whispered as he broke into sobs. "I, I can't let her go."  
"You have to Pacey…for your sake, and ours. You have to decide, right here. Right now. Otherwise, you'll end up with nothing. Joey can't take anymore, and I can't take much more either. It's up to you."  
"I didn't mean too..."  
"I know you didn't. I know. But it has to stop. You can't imagine the rest of your life in your head, you have to go out and actually live it again." 

Dawson patted his shoulder, staring into his eyes for a moment, before he left Pacey alone. 

Pacey shuddered and sighed, and took a deep breath and listened to the silence around him. 

~*~

"Joey?"  
"Dawson…I can't take it. I've got to get out of here!"  
Dawson stood in the doorway as he watched Joey clearing out her closet and filling her bags.  
"Joey…"  
"This is no way to live! This is no way to go through life!" She paused, exasperatedly running a hand through her long dark hair. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath to get a hold of herself. While her eyes were closed, Dawson crossed the floor to her, and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. 

"I don't want to leave, Dawson…I don't! But I have to… I can't go on this way. He's delusional," She pulled back and looked up into his eyes sadly determined, and he knew she was right. "Dawson, I can't stand to be in this house anymore. Things will never be okay as long as we're in this house, on this beach… I have to leave. I must."  
"I know, Jo. I understand."  
"I don't want to go…"  
"Ssh, Jo. It's okay…you don't have to explain. I know how you feel, I know you have to do this."  
"What about you…? How much longer can you handle this? Especially now, on your own?"  
"I…I…don't know," Dawson was at a loss for words. His mind was telling him to go with her, to leave too. But in his heart, he needed to be there for Pace.  
"Dawson?" 

"Jo…I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say." 

"Dawson, we all have to leave. We have to give him an ultimatum." 

~*~

That night Pacey sat out on the sand alone. 

The waves crashed before him as he looked out into the ocean's black depth, empty inside except for his struggle of coming to grips with reality. 

It was quiet except for the tingle of the wind chime a few yards away, and the wind that forever circled the beach, carrying the sounds of happier times and never letting him forget what he missed so dearly. 

"Hello there,"  
"Hi."  
"Mind if I sit?"  
Pacey watched her sink down into the sand beside him, her hair bouncing softly as it was blown back from her face. He watched her with such sadness…  
Her smile faded as she looked into his eyes and saw his uncertainty there, the dash of hope forever gone and the perpetual fear that might take control of his body for the rest of his life.  
"Pacey?" She whispered, her voice almost lost in the wind. "What's wrong?"  
"They know about us," He said, looking down at her hand in the sand. He reached down and took her cool fingers in hers. "They want me to stop seeing you,"  
"Oh," She said sadly.  
"They think I'm crazy,"  
"Do you think your crazy?"  
"I don't know… I wonder."  
"I love you, you know," He said, his eyes hopeful as he struggled to keep it together.  
"I know," She smiled.  
"All I've ever wanted was for us to be together,"  
She nodded, her smile not wavering now, even as she knew what he was going to say.  
"Jen…I'll love you forever. But, I can't see you anymore. Dawson and Joey…they…they want me to get help, in the city. We're leaving tonight, and…"  
"Do you think you need to leave?"  
"I think so,"  
"Well, I'm sure it's best then."  
"It's not because of you," He said quickly, then decided to reiterate. "Well…it is. But it's not because I don't love you. I have to do this to keep things right. They can't handle things…me…this way anymore, and I don't want to loose them."  
"I understand."  
"So, we're leaving tonight."  
"Will you ever come back?" She asked.  
"No…We're selling the house. We wont be back."  
"Well, if you have to go…" 

It was final. 

He looked into her eyes, his pain so clear.  
"I'm so sorry," He whispered.  
She sat back and looked out at the ocean. He waited for her to say something, anything, praying in his heart that she could understand.  
"I'll miss our talks," She said. "Things wont be the same without you here,"  
"Jen, I am so sorry,"  
"Pacey…all I ever wanted was for you to be happy,"  
"I was happy with you."  
"And I was happy with you… But I know how important they are to you… Dawson and Joey love you more than life, and I know you love them."  
He was silent.  
"Pacey?"  
"I…I just don't want to say goodbye."  
"But if we must, we must."  
"Yeah…I guess so." 

She reached up and felt his cheek. He closed his eyes, savoring the feel of her against his skin. He'd never feel it again, but he'd never forget it either.  
"I will miss you." He said.  
"I know you will, Pacey. I know you will." 

"Pacey?" Joey's voice called out from the house. Pacey glanced back in her direction then turned his eyes on his love sitting beside him, in the glow of the moon, perfect and beautiful and happy as only he could remember her. 

"You have to go," She said.  
"I know." 

They got to their feet but paused, standing face to face. They were lost in each other's eyes and forgot everything around them as the world was endless in this moment.

Pacey leaned down to kiss her, but she pulled away.

"You have to go now," She said, backing a step.  
"I know."  
"You have to go…"  
"Will we ever be together again?" He asked after her. "Will we ever be together again, on this night, on this beach? Will we ever belong to eachother again?"  
She smiled, and laughed; her infectious laugh touching the very center of his soul, a smile coming to his own lips, as the sounds of the world filled his senses again.  
She looked down as a wave splashed and pooled around her feet, then looked back at him, her eyes as bright as stars, and one last smile to warm his heart.  
She seemed to fade before him, disappearing into the night.  
"We will, someday, but not on this earth."  
"Until then?"  
"Yes…until then." 

And then she was gone. 

"Pacey???"

"I'm here, Jo," Pacey called back.  
"We're almost ready…" 

She came down through the sand appearing out of the night, her footsteps leading a trail back to the house. Pacey looked down at where Jen had been…no footsteps left behind. "Are you okay?" She asked when she saw the haunted look in his eyes as he looked out at the black ocean.  
"Yeah," He said, a sincere smile forming on his face.  
"Are you ready to go?"  
Pacey hesitated. 

The waves crashed, the moon shone, the sand was cool beneath his feet. The stars twinkled like diamonds and the wind tousled their hair. 

He wouldn't be here anymore, but something told him that Jen would always be there. And he took comfort in that fact, knowing that she would always be happy, and never feel pain. And the last two years of his life had not been spent in vain trying to hold on to that…  
Everything was as it always had been.  
And life would go on. 

"Pacey?"

"Yeah…"

"She wasn't really here ya know. She died two years ago. She's gone. Everything that's happened since then, you made up in your head...she wasn't really here."

"I wanted her to be,"

"I know."

Pacey felt a warm hand encircle his own.

"Pacey, are you ready to let this go?"

"I'm ready, Jo. I'm completely ready."

I did not intend to copy "To Gillian On Her 37th Birthday", which just rocks btw! It just came out that way.


End file.
